Don’t Be the Parent Who Ghostwrites the Kids’ Texts (Yes, This Is a Thing)

Writing texts as your child is a bad idea, and what’s more, texting in momspeak isn’t going to fool kids more accustomed to acronyms and emojis. It also isn’t going to teach kids how to resolve differences themselves, in their own words, as awkward as they might be.

When 13-year-old

Hannah Yeatman

wasn’t sure how to respond to some friend drama in a group chat, her mother, Lilly Yeatman, offered suggestions. Her wording didn’t fly with Hannah.

“If my mom had sent the message, she would have put in a bunch of punctuation,” says Hannah, a seventh-grader in Los Angeles. “We don’t really do that.”

Lilly Yeatman once replied to a late-night text from her daughter’s friend, which Hannah Yeatman says she found annoying at first but helpful later. Lauren Justice for The Wall Street Journal

The response turned into a three-person job, with some cleanup from Hannah’s 14-year-old sister. “She made it sound like it came from me,” Hannah says.

My 10-year-old daughter recently received an apologetic text she suspects was written by a friend’s mother. She showed it to me, and I agreed: The lengthy, eloquent response is unlikely to have been tapped out by a preteen. The message contained phrases my daughter said her friends wouldn’t use in text, including a reference to “mutual friends.”

Other women I interviewed have acknowledged ghostwriting texts for their kids. One mom said her daughter was accused of disclosing a friend’s crush. When the dispute spilled into a text thread, the mom typed up a text in her daughter’s place, carefully explaining how the girl felt the allegation was false. The mom was unapologetic about it.

You can’t blame kids or parents for seeking ways to defuse drama. After all, many young people get phones or tablets just as they’re learning how to navigate friendships. Misunderstandings over texts can blow up into major disputes, ruining friendships and causing embarrassment.

“Teens have a lot of self-doubt,” Hannah says. “We overthink things a lot.”

Consultant, not ghostwriter

Not only does finding the right words cause anxiety for some teens, waiting for a response to messages can be downright harrowing. A prolonged silence can leave teens spiraling: Did I say the wrong thing? Is she mad at me?

One night when Hannah was sleeping and her phone was charging in the kitchen, Ms. Yeatman heard it ding with text notifications. Then it began ringing repeatedly. Ms. Yeatman saw that the texts and calls were coming from the same friend, who was worried because Hannah hadn’t responded to a situation at school that had resulted in hurt feelings. 

Ms. Yeatman texted her back, identifying herself as Hannah’s mom. She told the friend she was sure there had been a misunderstanding and that Hannah would reply in the morning. The girl wrote back thanking her.

A few times when she’s noticed that Hannah hasn’t responded to a friend, Ms. Yeatman has “liked” a friend’s text to acknowledge it was seen. She says she’s trying to teach Hannah to put herself in others’ shoes.

Hannah says she was initially annoyed that her mother waded into her texts, but later realized it helped ease her friend’s feelings. “As long as my mom doesn’t say too much or pretend to be me, I’m OK with it,” she says.

Scott Steinberg,

author of several parenting guides and a book on digital manners, says trouble can start when parents ghostwrite texts for their kids without identifying themselves. Discussing a reply is one thing, but there’s a line.

“If you’re writing the message for them, you’re robbing them of having a teachable moment,” he says.

What teens can do

If you feel tempted to text for your kids, try offering advice instead.

Give friends a heads-up. Kids should tell their friends that their parents sometimes check their texts. When everyone is aware that exchanges are potentially monitored, it might help keep things civil. Friends should also know the hours or situations when a teen’s phone might be off limits. Children can enable app and phone settings that indicate they’re offline.

Pause before responding. If there’s a dispute in a text thread, kids shouldn’t reply right away. If needed, they should seek advice from a parent or sibling. “When you’re not sure how to respond, don’t,” says

Julie Spira,

an online-dating coach.

Show restraint. Teens should remind themselves that everyone is busy, and not all kids have 24/7 phone access. If they don’t hear back after a day, it’s OK to follow up, says

Diane Gottsman,

founder of the Protocol School of Texas, a business-etiquette training firm. Keep it nonconfrontational: “I’m not sure if you saw my message about the party on Saturday. I’m just following up to see if you’re going.”

Avoid late-night texting. Not only will texting in the wee hours hijack sleep, people also tend to have more emotional reactions when tired.

If a text is unclear, ask. If a message leaves someone confused about what a friend means or feels, the person shouldn’t be afraid to ask for clarification.

Take the conversation offline. If emotions are running high in a text chain, it’s good to ask to have a private conversation over the phone or face-to-face.

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Write to Julie Jargon at [email protected]